Here is How To Pick A Lock

Here is How To Pick A Lock

Unspoken Facebook Etiquette (Satire)

Wired

Unspoken Facebook Etiquette.

Pre-disclaimer: This is one hundred percent satirical

Whether it has been explicitly said or not, there is an unspoken Facebook "etiquette" that the Facebook community abides by. As most innate behavior of society when interacting with humans, there is a factor of reciprocity. This is an inherent part of our nature which has been transferred to the ultimate social platform of this generation—Facebook. Like it or not, the number of ‘likes’ correlate to how "popular" you are (publicly).

Here are the following Facebook observations I have made:

1. If someone tags you in a picture or post, it is proper to ‘like’ the picture. 
2. If your significant other posts something (regardless of whether it is meaningless, brilliant, humorous, or dull), you ‘like’ it. Not only does it show that you stalk him or her, but also stamps your print on their social profile so everyone knows you’re together. It’s like a dog urinating a little everywhere claiming their territory. 
3. If someone comments on your post (status, picture, shared article), it is courtesy to ‘like’ the comment. It is a form of acknowledgement that you have read and appreciate the person for publicly acknowledging and/or appreciating your post. 
4. If your best friend(s) posts something, it is your duty to like it for they will be your "loyal ‘likers’" on Facebook. It is unfortunate if your best friends are not active on Facebook—you just look less popular then. Make new friends. 
5. If someone gets engaged or married, you ‘like’ it--even though you haven't talked to them in years or hardly know them.
6. If someone ‘likes’ everything you post, or known as “loyal likers”, it is courtesy to ‘like’ their posts (at least from time to time). It’s only courteous. 
7. If you post something and no one likes it within 10-20 minutes, you should delete it. It's not Facebook worthy. 
8. If you post something and it gets 1-3 likes, delete it. 
9. If you’re one of those people who posts pictures of the things you’re doing all the time, don’t stop—people will think you don't have a life anymore—and therefore, your degree of "popularity" will decline. It’s about being consistent to your loyal Facebook stalkers. Yes, so much pressure, right. 
10. If your friend posts a profile picture with you in it, sometime in the future put a picture of them in your profile picture. This also includes Birthday shout-outs. It is only courteous of you to offer them the same attention. Also, it shows the Facebook world that you both like each other mutually—rather than one-sided. 

Disclaimer: I am not a very active Facebooker so I do not follow these but alas, I hope to be "FB popular" before FB becomes obsolete. Happy Facebooking!

Thank you Ricky Rajani, Pratik Shah, Carisa Nietsche, Ankur Gupta, Neil Agarwal

Corporations = People? Satirical Hilarity by John Oliver.

Corporations = People? Satirical Hilarity by John Oliver.  

"If corporations want to be people, they should have to take the rough with the smooth," he said. "Female companies, you only get to make 83 cents on the dollar, Sorry Wendy's. I guess Burger King just worked harder"

Funny line: "Taco Bell is clearly Hindu because you know there’s no fucking beef in those things."